A little “me” time…
It has been a little stressful or late, mostly job related and – in that context – mostly personality related. Shit happens, welcome to middle school. In any event, it’s left me feeling angry, and frustrated, and more than a bit aggressive. These are not good things, in combination, most of the time. Certainly haven’t left me feeling like exploring. Instead, I’ve been more apt to watch a vid, get off, wipe off, and go to bed. I consciously wanted to change that.
After a bike ride, I decided that a bath would be therapeutic in a lot of ways. There’s the purely physical part of warming, and relaxing the muscles I’d used. There’s the mental part of sitting still, somewhere comfortable. I even did the candle bit. Then there’s the sensual part. Soapy, warm water can feel so good on your skin. The currents (cause who really sits stock still in the bath) can be soothing or just a little titillating. Depends on what you make of it. Knowing what I had planned for later, I made the most of it. When I was good and relaxed, I got out and toweled off. Made sure to clean all the nooks and crannies – cause cleanliness counts.
With my last toy investment I received a truly daunting piece of red, formed rubber. It’s called an anal ‘wand,’ but that doesn’t convey the size of the beast. It’s a solid piece, and will definitely take time to conquer. Luckily, time is not pressing currently. This, along with my usual lube, was set aside for this evening’s entertainment/exercise.
Tonight, I discovered things. The soft pad of my middle finger is what feels best against the top of my hole when I’m warming up. Flipping around to the side, the nail bed feels distracting and foreign. The fleshy part feels… good. Tonight I tapped my finger against my hole. Yes, I admit that I was emulating any number of videos I may have seen over the years. I found that, too, to be enjoyable. I just… played.
I also discovered that I’m still anxious about this whole experience. As I set things out, I felt my heart begin to beat a little harder. When I laid down, and rolled over, I found a bead of precum already on the tip of my soft dick. Nervous, yes. Obviously not so nervous that my body wasn’t anticipating something.
The new toy, maybe I should call him ‘Red,’ is seriously daunting. It’s not small, by any standard. It has graduated rings, each about an inch high – if Red is standing on his base. There are eight of them, sequentially of a larger diameter. The base is a firm, heavy thing that – one assumes – will allow for a sturdy, um, base on which to sit. Some day. What surprised me was just how, comparatively, easily the first of those rings went in.
To be fair, I applied enough lube to prove adequate, I should think, for small battleship. That helped. Certainly, the warm up – and stretching – helped as well. I just found it a bit surprising when the first ring popped through. Little unsettling, as it has been to date, little foreign feeling.
I let things sit there for a moment, getting used to my new friend. the advantage of graduated rings was really apparent once the first one was in. The second one, though providing a stretch, wasn’t uncomfortable. I can tell you my mouth formed a little ‘O’ as I started playing. The toy warmed pretty quickly, so it felt less foreign. I had to remind myself not to clench down, remind myself to breathe. Those helped a great deal, as well. Twisting it, slowly, felt pretty awesome. This is the first toy I’ve bought that was perfectly round. The others twisted to fit the space. This one, I felt a bit dirty – in a good way – playing with. I can’t tell you why I felt dirty. Actually, maybe wonton is a better term. I just kept playing, pushing in to a new ring when I felt comfortable. Gasping every once in a while. I can’t tell you that I felt transported, or that there was a distinct, and identifiable feeling to the experience. It almost felt like it was my body, but it wasn’t. I should say that, for the most part, I didn’t stroke my dick while I was pushing more of it in. I found that, when I stroked, I clenched down on it and couldn’t comfortably make headway. Didn’t stop me entirely, but I concentrated on my butt first. Then I’d stroke and I can say I had a few, ‘oh my god’ moments.
In terms of overall length that I conquered, I’d say maybe 5, maybe 6 rings. Then I started feeling this pressure, not pain but discomfort, as I started hitting something inside. The minute I touched my dick, I felt a spurt of precum and, while I’m not a doctor – nor do I play one on TV – I’m going to guess prostate. I decided to back off and regroup. Well, really back off and re-lube.
This time, pushing in 5 or 6 inches was even easier. I know that sounds obvious – yes, I’d had it in there just moments before, so it’s not like my innards had close up like fort Knox. I’m just still so relieved when it feels good. I tried relaxing, breathing, and still the same pressure. Like I’d come to limit for the time being. It did feel different though. Not the same kind of pressure, not exactly in the same place. Since it didn’t look like I’d be doing too much more butt-centric work, I started jerking off in earnest. I could feel myself spasm. In a good way. In a really good way. I had used lube – water based – early on in the process, and when I’d added more lube to the toy, I’d used the excess on my dick. Even so, there was plenty of precum adding to the mix.
I backed off again, pulling the toy out, applying more lube. I think as much to give myself a chance to breath as anything else. When I started shoving it back in, I felt the number of rings left outside and, when my finger my sphincter, when I felt the edge of where the toy and my butt met… I can’t even express it in words “Mmmmmm,” comes closest. If that felt this good, I wondered, what would a finger coming in from my taint feel like. The answer is “even better.” By this point, I really wanted to come. Really. Wanted to. I started thinking of someone i know only through interactions on the net (twitter, his blog, you know what I’m sayin’). Wished I could make out him, while he was the one guiding what happened with toy. I started thrusting it into me gently, twisting it, feeling how wet my dick was with precum – the lube long since drying out on its own.
Once again, I didn’t have enough hands. Wanted to play with my nipple, so I set the edge of the toy against the towel-covered bedspread. Had to keep reminding myself to relax my ass muscles. For the first time – at least the first time while I wasn’t watching a scene – I wondered what it would be like to have a dick in my ass and one in my mouth at the same time. Yes, wonton fits pretty well here. This is one of the very few times I can recall getting close to being out of my own head, and focused enough on what was happening that I didn’t feel ‘entirely’ like I was controlling the experience. I’ve rarely had that experience where I felt something change – something switch in my head. I wasn’t so concerned about not overdoing it. I was, at least in part, so into the experience that I just wanted to feel it, and to cum.
In my head, I had a running dialog going. Words like ‘daddy,’ and ‘please,’ and ‘can I cum’ were going through my mind. When I did cum, it felt really, really good. I could feel my load dripping down the length of my dick. I laid there, hand curled up on the towel, feeling cum in my pubes, on my hand. I laid there, while my breathing returned to normal.
Am I still anxious? Yes. Am I taking my time in personal exploration rather than getting on a website like adam4adam? Yes. Why? Because I want to make sure that I’m comfortable with myself before I add an unknown to the mix. Trust me, I’m not complaining. Yes, it would be in-fucking-credible to be with someone, making out, touching, smelling, tasting. I just don't want to undo the progress, and the enjoyment I’ve felt. Call me skittish. And wish me luck on the journey.
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