Self-exploration for Friday

I’m sitting here, bleary-eyed, feeling a bit spent.  Dawned on me that I’d not gotten off since Sunday – and here I wondered why I was in such a pissed-off mood for most of the week.  It also dawned on me that I’d not done any exploring in almost 2.  Doesn’t seem a long time, really.  But I’d been so ‘all about it’ for the first few weeks of my blog that it was notably absent.  No, I’ve still not taken the stop of getting someone else involved yet.  Yes, I’m beginning to feel that weighing on me.  Fear and anticipation are warring right now.  I made the conscious decision to get off tonight, and to use one of my toys to assist.  I asked a friend, whom I trust, if he had a suggestion on which one I should use. We’ll call that an ‘interactive’ experience, sorta.  His sage advice was to do one that I wasn’t quite as familiar with.  And so, this is where we find ourselves.

I don’t have a huge collection, but I’ve started growing it.  Recent purchases have been elaborated on in earlier entries.  I thought about it, and there was one that intimidated me.  Why?  Width/girth.  And by that, I mean right out of the box.  Other toys have either a smaller profile, or are graduated so you start with this small, attainable goal and it gradually grows.  This one, silicone, marbled look, has very little in terms of ‘ease in.’  Almost immediately off the bat, you’re at it’s full circumference.  The last time I tried it, I had to backup and start with a smaller toy, then move on to this one.  I decided this was my challenge for the evening, and no ‘warm up toy.’ 

So, clean and freshly bathed, i laid out the lube, and the toy, on a towel.  (I'm a creature of habit, what can I say.)

I know it’s cliché, but I’m learning just how true some of the advice I’ve been given is.  It’s more than just physical, this journey I’m on.  A lot of it is psychological as well.  I laid on my side, facing the bedside table where I had the lube.  I lubed up the fingers of my right hand, and transferred the lube to my hole.  Sounds clinical, I know.  But that’s how I started.  Very ‘out of my own head.’  Following a process, not really experiencing.  I had to remind myself to feel.  Not to distance myself from the experience. 

I started to feel how my hole felt, slick with the lube, pliable – though tight.  I started examining what I was feeling, not feeling with my fingers but feeling in my hole.  One finger in, I started rubbing in a circle, feeling my hole’s elasticity, the ring of muscle.  Pushing in to the first knuckle, I felt very little discomfort or resistance.  I got a little bolder.  The idea of just how think the toy was had me thinking a bit broader, as well.  Slowly, very slowly I started pushing my forefinger in alongside my middle finger.  AT first, side by side.  IT was a little too challenging.  Then, I crossed one over the other – presenting a smaller initial package.  that worked.  Really worked.  I could feel both inside the rim, no pain or discomfort.  I relaxed.  I don’t mean the hole, I mean all of me.  It wasn’t until then that I realized just how tensed up I’d been.  When I did, both fingers slid in to the first knuckle.  Light bulb time.  I needed to relax all of me, not just focus on my butt. 

By this point, I wanted to try the toy.  I even had a plan on what angle, clearly over thinking the experience.  My hole was lubed, and I started lubing the toy.  I started thinking about what it would be like to be lubing a real dick in this situation.  Getting it ready for my hole.  Hard in my hand. 

I started slowly, very slowly, with the tip at my hole.  Gentle, consistent pressure. Deep breathing, forcing myself to relax.  I could feel the pressure build as the tip started entering me… I felt it stretching me, the pressure continuing to build.  I took a deep breath, pushing it out slowly through pursed lips, and felt the pressure suddenly ease as it fully entered me.  Then I just felt… full.  I kept up the pressure, and reminded myself to relax – all of me to relax.  My shoulders, and back relaxed and the silicone cock just kept sliding in.  So full, but not uncomfortable.  after a point, i felt as though I couldn’t push it farther without discomfort.  I just laid there, all but about an inch of it inside me, and just relaxed.  I rolled over, carefully, feeling the head bump against resistance inside me.  If I was careful, even that pressure felt… good.  Just full, not sure now to really put into words what I was feeling.  A few moments laying there, and I wanted to pull it out and re-lube.  The process, in reverse, much easier than the insertion.

I made sure that the toy was wet – really wet – and started it back inside.  This time, the head went in without issue, but I found I was feeling really tight about half way in.  I got frustrated.  I didn’t understand why, what was inside me a moment ago, wouldn’t go back in.  And then… I remembered… to relax.  Not just my butt, but all of me.  and I felt the pressure release, and I felt – really felt – how slick the toy was, and how it felt as it slid into me.  How it felt when it slid through my ass lips.  What a fucking turn on that was.  With it inside me again, I laid there.  Finally, I reached over to lube my dick.  Rolling over carefully, once again feeling the toy grinding in my ass. 

My dick, through this all, was soft.  Little precum, but soft.  I started jacking my cock, and almost immediately, started feeling little convulsions of pleasure.  Needed to take a breather.  More lube.  I started slowly, gently sliding the toy into and out of my ass while I slowly jacked.  More convulsing and this time, with each convulsion, a little spurt of precum.  I realized that, while this felt incredible, it wasn’t getting me closer to blowing a load.  Or, you know, that’s what it felt like.  I needed to feel more, I wanted to feel more.  More of what?  More connectedness.  I thought about what it would be like to be making out with someone while they guided the toy into and out of me.  I started really feeling what my ass was doing the toy while I stroked, and how it gripped the toy.  I started to consciously do it.  Gripping the toy with my ass, thinking what a real dick woudl feel like, what a real dick would be feeling while I did it.  I expanded on that thought, visualizing being on top, sliding down on a hard dick, gripping it, milking it with my ass.  I imagined being in control, the top spread eagle while I rode him. 

Every once in while, I’m press the base of the toy further into me, alternating that with stroking my stomach, my chest.  I started flicking my nipple with a finger nail, all the while imagining another hand doing it.  All the while, feeling full, and turned on.  Almost without warning, I felt my orgasm coming.  Rushing towards it, that’s how I felt.  When I came, I lost a little time.  By that I mean, I have no idea how long it lasted, or how long I sat there, dick in hand, cum dripping into my pubes.  After a few moments, toy still firmly inside me, I started to unwind – relaxing my stomach, which had clenched when I came, relaxing my legs.  I rolled over, and felt the toy start sliding out.  I pushed it out of me, almost without using my hands.  When the head left, this time, I gasped a little.  Then I laid there. Well, and truly spent.